2016/10/26

#54 FAILURE

Up and down. Down and up - that's life man ! Well, dude, sometimes life just sucks. Sometimes it really sucks.
For me it did during the last weeks for several reasons. (Spoiler alarm) I am going to put more about that story down tomorrow in an amazing Diary post, which you guys should definitely read !
However, to come back to the sense of this one - one reason for why I was pretty down was the World Nomads travel writing scholarship.
Those of you who directed their little white arrow on these blue letters where let to a new page, demonstrating my failure when it comes to 'being an aspiring travel writer' in the eyes of their jury. Don't get me wrong, I am not a native English speaker, neither am I close to be a professional travel writer or something like that. I was aware of that I did never really have a big chance to win those contest, with it's even amazing price - but there was those little spark of hope that kept me praying for success.
So, as you can probably guess - after they announced the winners on their website (which wrote some incredible stories down that you should definitely check out by the way), I got pretty depressed. Did not want to write. Decided to just live the 'backpacker life'. Went out, went to work, watched the complete eight season of Supernatural. (Yes, I am addicted)
I guess I missed this. I missed my free time during all those time I invested in improving my writing, planing my articles and dreaming about the future. But at the end of the day - something was missing, something kept me from sleeping as well as I did before. Writing.
So? I experienced failure, I took my time. Now I want to go back, listen to my heart and just write it all down. Because I don't really care if anybody does really take the time to read all this - I need it, my soul needs it to communicate with my brain. To gently fall asleep at the end of each day, knowing that it was sieved.
I do what I've always done since I can think - I do bleed my heart out through my art.
So here's my insufficient article, followed by a short essay about why I should have been chosen as a winner of that contest. (Haha)
A local encounter that changed the way I perceive the world forever
I was sitting on my double bed back home, talking to my beloved mother while enjoying some leftovers from the evening before.
“I will take care of myself mum, don't worry”, were the words I repeated so often these weeks that they could have been one of those annoying slogans they keep airing in everyday American soaps.
And even if her worries didn't fail to have an impact on me – the most dominant picture I caught sight of nevertheless was mainly composed of colorful lines of hope carried by a similarly arranged background of excitement.
Although I knew that I wouldn't change the world – the wish of making at least a small difference through volunteering as an English teacher in India was deeply engraved in my heart.
Aesthetic red and gold Saris against the decaying environment.
My student Gita – who invited me for having dinner with her family that evening - had led me through narrow lines of the slum that were utterly polluted with towering mounds of rubbish. And even if she would have given me a window of opportunity to share my thoughts, I doubt that I could have been able to think of any appropriate comments when facing the four square meter room that she calls home.
There was no bed. There was no toilet. There was no kitchen.
Silver glances of light led my attention to a cherubic little girl, revealing her to be the source of a genuine laugh. Surrounded by walls covered in mold, my host's daughter sat on a ragged bamboo mat and concentrated on a game she played on a phone that was older than myself. The last rays of sunshine found their way easily through the broken window and highlighted some of the narrow bones the child's fragile skin failed to hide.
Recognizing Gita's expectant gaze, I forced my mouth to reveal a smile, which came out more like an aching grimace. “It is not much, but that's all we need”, the Indian reassured with a bright, genuine grin – expressed through all 42 human facial muscles.
Seduced by the appetizing odor of the food her mother served later, two more gleaming pairs of eyes joined us and the six of us enjoyed Chapati bread with Dal.

The frayed bamboo mat was more comfortable than any chair, the shattered window allowed a pleasing breeze to enter and the proximity we kept gave me an insight into the family's soul which was fulfilled in the most beautiful way.
I caught a tear glistening in my eyes when saying goodbye to Gita later - the most prosperous woman who has ever crossed my path.
I am not your teacher. You are mine.
Why should I be chosen ?
“And no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of it's dream” -Paulo Coelho
Sterile white walls surrounding me, the monotonous noises of the blunt clock I am facing build up the illusion of it standing still, the familiar odor of fear stuck in my nose stronger than ever before.
The pressure of not knowing exactly if something is wrong or how severe it can be is absolutely overwhelming.
There is nothing I can do, nothing I can change about it.
All I do is praying for a positive diagnosis of the doctor – for a positive diagnosis of your judges.
Is my writing good enough ?
This little girl doesn't know much about art, neither does she know much about herself. The only thing she knows for sure is that it has the power to make her feel complete. It makes her forget everything else, it gives her the ability to express not only thoughts but deepest feelings in the most beautiful way and the ability to turn her mouth into this ever so slight smile will always be reserved for art.
I am deeply in love with transforming a plain sheet of paper into an expressive piece of writing invoking the assistance from only a simple pen and I would be more than grateful about the opportunity of learning how to improve my skills from an expert. It would bring me a big step closer to my dream of being able to afford a simple lifestyle through my stories one day and to send out messages that not only I, but so many beautiful people I met on my travels so far, want to share with a bigger audience.